Letting it Out to Keep it Positive

I suck moral of story. All I need is a little more confidence that my friends like me. I should just stick with my gut.

It is Steve's birthday today. I feel really bad about not having something good to give him. He has been so sweet and amazing since I have been home and I really should have had something for him. This year he has made it really difficult though and not told me anything that he wants. I really want to give him something he will like, but that isn't so easy when he is so picky. I got him a shirt for Christmas and he hates getting clothes so I can only cross my fingers that he will even wear it. I just feel guilty. We will see how things go I guess.

I think my greatest fear is being forgotten. I am not all that exciting like everyone else and it makes me wonder if they know I am there sometimes. Last night I hung out with everyone and David wrote on Katie's facebook wall about last night and mentioned everyone except me. I know I shouldn't have noticed something like that but it showed up on my main page or whatever. I still felt totally forgotten. People seem to forget me a lot. I don't get phone calls and when they say they will call they often forget and I get left behind. I guess it is because I don't call a lot of attention to myself or have super defining characteristics. I wish I was hilarious or interested in being the center of attention, but that just isn't me. All people ever say about me is that I am pretty. I want to be so much more than that. David told me that I was the only 10 he knew. I am flattered by that, but what good does it do when you just get forgotten anyways. I want to be invited without having to call myself. Sometimes I just feel unwanted and like I shouldn't bother. I know that is not true and that doing that would just result in me being unhappy, but all I want is to feel a little remembered. I can't really say anything about it without feeling like mel or being labeled as a complainer and that is the last thing I want. Just remember me. I have really simple wants: sometimes be where you say you will be, and try not to forget me. Oh well

There are so many girls is Cory's life. All of a sudden Kiersten from high school wants to hang out with him. They are going to see Frost/Nixon on sunday. To me it seems pretty weird that out of the blue she wants to hang out with him. The two of them seeing a movie seems kind of like a date to me. I think it would seem like a date to most people. Also it is strange because she doesn't really like me and that makes it seem off. I just want her to stay away. Cory says it is never to late to make a new friendship and I am all for new friends, unless those new friends happen to dislike me and my friends and are also girls. I feel threatened. It is just too weird. Pretty much I just want her to go away or for the plans to fall through somehow. I won't say anything like that to Cory. All I will say is that it makes me nervous. It is crossing a line for me to say that he can't be friends with her. Also it never helps the situation when I tell him what he can and can't do. It just eggs him on more and makes him want it more. I made him aware that I am confused by it and that is all I will do. Hopefully that will be enough or Kiersten will just fade away. One can only hope. She has always been strange and I never liked her all that much. I think I just need to not be paranoid and just trust. That probably sounds easier than it actually is. He just has looked so cute lately. I don't want other girls to realize how amazing he is now and take him away from me. I don't think he would just up and leave me like that, but still the flirting would not make me happy. He is my perfect boy and not for sharing!

I don't know why he does this to me. It makes me so upset. It also makes me seem like a crazy girlfriend because I call other people looking for him. Alex must think I am totally nuts. I really only call other people when I want to make sure he is ok. That is the only reason I do so. It is not to be crazy, I just can't sleep until I know he is ok. I am sure he drank too much and acted like and idiot. I could not be less happy right now. He was super mean to me today on the drive down and it really hurt and then he forgot to let me know he was ok. I just want tomorrow to be here. Hopefully I can fall asleep tonight. When I get worried like this my stomach gets all tied up in knots and I freak out. I can just hope for a better tomorrow. There are not really words right now, only disappointment.

Last night was so weird. I was having fun until late. I don't really want to type out what I was feeling or what happened because it is kind of uncomfortable and makes me upset. It is just something that has never happened before and as much as he assures me that it was just a weird day for him and that it was because he was stressed, I can't help feeling like he didn't want me or is getting tired of our relationship. Those were all the feelings that went through my head. He used to want me just through kisses and now I feel like it takes more and more and that kisses just don't do it. It feels like he needs to burry himself somewhere else to think about things that he really likes. I think I am just being paranoid. It is probably all just silly and maybe it was a weird day like he said. I have no idea, because I can't read his mind as much as I want to. He was really sweet afterwards though. He held me and said all sorts of nice things. It made me feel a lot better and forget about it for a time. I really can't say if anything is wrong though, because it has only happened once. We will see if it happens again and I guess if it does then I will say something more. Maybe I just need to try some different things though. I dunno, stuff to spice up our relationship maybe? I will do a little research and see how it goes. I want to go home, but so far I don't have all that much to look forward to. It is going to be a busy break. I kind of want to just relax for a little. Hopefully I will get a chance to just relax. Sometimes I want to see my friends and sometimes I wish it was just Cory and I could devote all my attention to him. I guess we can't all have what we want.

1. not getting my studying done when I should be
2. lost my ring and am so upset. my finger feels naked without it and I feel naked without it.

I have finished my first final. It was the math one and it totally sucked. It was not at all as easy as the study guide made it out to be. Totally unexpected test for me. I couldn't tell if everyone else was having a hard time, but I for sure was. Maybe I am just an idiot when it comes to math. I am now a little worried about quantitative methods in the fall. Really though, it is way to far off for me to really worry about. I should just be happy that it is over and I can not think about real math again for a long time. I am almost a year and a half into my college education, which kinda rocks. I have been doing this for long enough that it is normal now. I don't count the time I have been at school like I did my freshman year. First semester I kept track of how many days I had been away for a long time. It was a little silly, but also something I couldn't really help doing. Why am I writing about this? Because I am procrastinating, thats why. I have tried to defend my social world class all semester, but in reality it is just a really boring class. The subject is boring, the teacher is kinda boring, and it is just dull!

This week needs to start going by a lot faster. The days pass quicker when I have things to do. I don't really have anything to do this week. I mean I have to study, but I don't have all that much to do to fill up all this empty time. Hopefully people will be free tonight so I don't have to spend it sitting in my room thinking about how bored I am and barely studying. I just want time to fly by this week and then I want it to go by very slowly for winter break so that the time with Cory seems longer. I love him and I can't wait to be with him for more than just a couple of days. Seeing him is my world as pathetic as that is.

I really should be studying and I think I will get back to it now. I need to ace this exam like the last one. I want an A in this class. I want more than one A this semester! Last semester had too many B's. I know I have one in history and I really want to know what the rest are. I hope I will not be disappointed.

This week has been so shitty. I am stressed out and feel kinda crummy a lot. It looks like it is going to be a really lonely night in my dorm room tonight. Kate left for the night and Mel went to hang out with Steve. I am pretty sure that Fritz has rehearsal. I could always call Sam and go hang out with her, but in my mind my plans are a little more on the close to home side so I can do work at the same time. Overall I am just in a kinda fickle mood. I want to hang out with people on one hand, but on the other hand I really just feel like sitting in my room. I am not sure that David and Alex are coming up this weekend which means that Cory may not come either. If he can't come it will be a real let down. I am stressing about this meeting with Dr. Tuttle tomorrow too because it is not exactly something that I particularly enjoy. I am also mad because Mel went to go hang out with Steve and that is just a stupid decision. She is going to end up doing something dumb and I am going to have to pick up the pieces per usual. I know she doesn't want my judgement, but she will have to deal with it because I have to deal with her mistakes all the time. I feel like it is a fair trade. I just don't know what I want right now. Mostly I want to curl up and cry a lot. I really shouldn't feel too down about being alone tonight though because it is the last week of classes and I do have a lot of work to do so it is reasonable. I feel fine about my friendships here until I think about them. If I think about it I realize that I don't really have all that many friends nor do I make friends very easily. I like the people I know, but many of them are busy a lot so they can't hang out. It just gets kinda lonely. It is one of those things that if I just push it to the back of my head it isn't to much of a problem. It only really gets to me sometimes. Right now I just feel like doing something exciting. I don't think it is going to happen. I will just attribute this feeling to it being a rough day. Tomorrow will be better. It has to be.

I miss him so much right now. I know I should be getting work done, but I just keep thinking about him. On any other week I would just drive down on a tuesday or something for dinner, but this week is too busy and I don't have the time. I wish so much that we could have had more time together over thanksgiving because we really didn't get that much time. We probably spend a total of 4 hours alone together. I feel like I should have way more time than that to just be with him. I really need to get back to work

I know that I really should have let this go by now, but LIAR she is a fucking LIAR. I hate liars more than anything and beyond that lying about something like that is absolutely out of line. It is the totally wrong thing to do and I can tell when you are not telling the truth. Her stories are so contrived and why on earth would you want to make up something like that. It is absolutely despicable. The things that come out of her mouth sometimes make me just want to vomit. I think it is time to address this with Cory. I will give it a few days though because I know that he doesn't really want to talk about her anymore right now. I will give it a little bit and hopefully I will either get over my anger or get him to see my point. This is ridiculous.

I hate all her lies. I can tell that there is so much of her life that isn't the truth. I know liars when I see them and she really is one.

If I could punch you and have it be okay I would. You treat people in ways they should never be treated

I am lonely and it is freezing in my house. They said I could turn the heat on since I am home, but I am scared that I will turn it up to high and get in trouble. It is pretty boring here. I don't really know what to do with myself. I could always do homework or exercise or shower, but somehow none of those things really appeal to me. What I want is for mel to get home so I can have my movies to watch. Exercising is a lot better when there is something on to watch. I feel like I should bake because I told my family I would, but I am just not in the mood. I would really rather Cory be here so we could snuggle and stuff. I hate that Ben left earlier on Monday and couldn't possibly wait for Cory because now he is stuck in Richmond and I have to wait until around 9 or 10 tonight to see him. I am not really all that happy about it. He is going to want my undivided attention tonight which may be a problem because Malka and Julia get home tonight I think and I would like to see them. I am hoping that they get home earlier than Cory does so I can see them until he gets here. I don't like complicated stuff. This all blows.

Nothing.

Cory did wonders for me this weekend. It was absolutely amazing to have him here. He did just what I needed him to do. He held me and comforted me and let me talk when I wanted too. I couldn't have asked for me. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I am happy about it. I love the fact that he is always here for me whenever I need it. Even though this is rough for him he still manages to hold my hand and tell me that everything is alright. He deserves something special and I hope I can give that to him. I wanna make sure he gets everything that he wants to make him happy. I really hope he likes what I am planning on getting him for christmas. Hopefully his parents won't think of the same thing. I have to talk to them about it and make sure they don't. I want for him to feel important and loved this year because he has done so much for me this semester and our relationship has gone so well. I am the happiest I have ever been except for maybe when we got to be together whenever we wanted to be. Right now I have to wait to see him, which I guess makes me cherish him even more. People say that nobody is perfect, but I disagree. He is perfect.

I am in a really bad place right now. I am all mixed up and lost. All I really want is for Cory to realize that I need him and come up here on friday to see me. I know that it is very unlikely, but it is really what I want. He isn't really doing anything for this art show, he is just going to it. I give up events that my friends are a part of all the time to go see him. Why can't he give up one thing for me? I don't ask him to miss things and just pass on things at my school. I would like a little more sacrifice on his part sometimes. I really don't want to push it with him right now though. I know that this whole situation representing itself is difficult for him too, so I really don't want to ask much of him. I try to keep telling him that he is amazing and stuff in an attempt to keep his spirits up. I think it is working. I hope it is working. I want to keep him happy even if it means that I have to suffer a little bit.

This hasn't happened in a while. I feel so stuck in my own head and I can't seem to find my way out. It is really disorienting and overwhelming. I want someone to listen to me, but at the same time I don't want to say anything. It is really irrational of me to ask someone to listen when I just want them to sit there and read my mind so I don't have to tell them. I hate using my words about this subject. I have nothing here to paint and I can only exercise so much. I have tried using my schoolwork as an escape and it just isn't working. I am still getting work done, but it isn't my best work because I am all trapped up inside. A lot of the things I write are fueled by emotion, but all my emotions are drained right now so I feel like my papers are a little lackluster. Right now I just want to run and run and run until this world is far away so I can just sit in silence. Hopefully then my head will shut up. It is too late at night to go to the gym again, it is closed and I really shouldn't be outside wandering around alone.

Last year I would go to Fritz sometimes when I needed to talk, but right now I feel like he is too busy for me. We barely talk and we just don't talk when Lee is there. When he is with Lee he has nothing to say to anyone else. It makes me really sad and a little angry, but it is really hard to be angry with Fritz. I am so glad that he is happy with Lee, but sometimes I want single Fritz back again. I at least got to see him then. Now he doesn't even call when he says he will or anything. I feel forgotten. This is a perfect time for all this to be crashing down. I need people here, but I guess they don't really know I need them. I don't do a good job letting people know when I am upset and apparently they either can't read my face or they are too wrapped up in their own lives to really notice. I feel like just laying down and crying, but there is no place for me to go do that. I have no privacy.

I don't think I have ever been so angry about something. I want nothing more than for him to be kicked out of this school forever. He is a jackass and a rapist and deserves nothing. I am ashamed to go to a school that will allow someone like him to continue to hold a position of power as an R.A. after multiple people have asked for a no contact order. If that kind of thing is asked for then something needs to be done. I am so angry.

Everything is just throwing off my life right now. I have a specific way I like to function and right now I really can't. I was really looking forward to going to the gym with Fritz today, but now he can't go which fucks things up. I needed that stress reliever and now I don't get it. I can still always go, but somehow the motivation isn't there without him or someone else to go with. It is just so cold outside which makes me for sure not want to go. Also my legs hurt from running yesterday. I may have to just suck it up and go because I will certainly feel better afterwards. I always do. It is a good time to get everything off my mind and just forget about the world outside. It always helps on bad days. I think today probably constitutes as an ok day, but combined with horrible mental stress. I just want to cross something off my to do list and that would help a little.

I thought I was done with all this. I thought that I had finished dealing with this and put it behind me last spring. I realize that it hasn't been all that long and that its okay for me to not be totally over everything. I just don't think I was ready for it to hit me all in the face again. I don't really know how to handle it all. I might be going to sit down in a room with him and an administrator and confronting the issue which is something I would never have to do. I know I don't have to do it, but I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I let him get away with it more than he already has. I am not sure if I want to talk about it with anyone of my friends or Cory. Part of me also wants to talk about it and have someone to share what I am going through with. I don't think I will ever be able to talk to Cory about it. He just doesn't know how to react which is totally fine because this all hurt him too. It is just hard sometimes feeling like you can't talk to your best friend about something that really gets to you. I have thought about telling him over and over again why I frequently turn him down when he asks for blow jobs. It is just so hard for me to give them without being reminded of how he forced me down there and shoved himself down my throat. Somedays I am good and somedays I am just not. I will probably have to give Cory one this weekend because it will be that time of month and I can't give him much else, at least not sex, which he hasn't gotten in maybe a month and I feel really bad about. I meant to sunday this past weekend but I got stomach sick. Nothing is going my way. We can sleep together this weekend if he doesn't mind that I am on my period. I will mentally prepare myself to give blowjobs though for the rest of the week so I don't freak out when/if it happens this weekend. I really do wish this was something I could really talk to him about. I just feel like things always get worse when I mention it. During this situation over the past 8 months I have never felt more alone. I am not sad all the time or even all that often, but when it does come to my mind I don't feel like there is anyone that I can go to. Even with my mom I feel bad calling her about it because it is hard for her to handle and it can't make her feel good. I don't want her to worry about me. I will be seeing her in a week now so at least she can give me a hug and saturday I can see cory and he can give me one. I really do wish he was coming on friday. I don't know exactly how much he can help out at this art show thing anyways. There will be tons of people there and Nathan barely knows him and I doubt anyone else there will know him so there won't really be anyone there for him to talk to. I am not going to say anything though because if he wants to be there then it is whatever. I will leave it up to him even if I do give up things all the time. That is a selfish way for me to look at it and I realize that it is so that is why I am not saying anything. I am not neccessarily right about this so it is just be to sweep it under the table. I hope I am doing the right thing.